What if I were to ask you to stop for a moment and answer the question: “ARE YOU HAPPY?”
How many times a day do you think or say to yourself or others: “I AM HAPPY.”
Not so long ago I belonged to those who lived in the state of conditional happiness.
I thought that when I go to school I will be happy. Once I grow up I will be happy. Once I get to the law school and move to another city; graduate, get my LLM; find a job and settle in Kiev, Ukraine.
Then I told myself that I would be happy when I move to Canada; when I finally get a licence to practise law here; once I leave my unhappy relationship; move downtown; travel… when, when, when…
Getting to all of the "once" and reaching all of the "whens" did not cut it for me. Although I have come so far and achieved so much… I was not happy… I had the feeling that it was not enough, I needed to do more, had to do better, work harder.
In pursuit of happiness I kept going like a train on high speed moving forward even when there was no railroad ahead of me, and it was hard at times not having those rails… Until it became too hard.
December 2018: Depression, anxiety, trauma, memories, feelings, negative self-talk, feeling of unworthiness, not being good enough, successful enough, smart enough, not deserving (love, success, attention, life…).
Why do I need to live? Why do I need to work? Would anyone other than a parent notice or care if I would disappear? Luckily for me, I met a person one month earlier, who at that time helped me to realize that I was not "just tired" but that I needed healing and where I needed to start.
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