More Entries from “The Totally Not Fake Dictionary of Ontario Employment Law”

Everyone loves a sequel.

Last September, I amused the employment law world by publishing an excerpt from my new, fake book entitled The Totally Not Fake Dictionary of Ontario Employment Law.

It was an instant hit, at least that was what my mother told me.

So, by popular demand, here are some more entries from my life’s work:

Accommodation

A “two-way street”.

However, you’re probably speeding down the wrong way of that street at 150 km/h. Plus, it is nighttime, your headlights are out, and you left your preion lenses at home.

Canada Labour Code

That important statute many employment lawyers tend to forget about, just like the Constitution Act, 1867.

Court of Appeal for Ontario

The level of court that will soon establish absolute and eternal certainty when it comes to interpreting contractual termination provisions. See Baker.

Employment Contracts

1. For employers, totally worth the stone tablets onto which they’re carved. Also see: Iron Clad.
2. For employees, not worth the paper they used to be written on.
    

Fixed Term Contract with No Enforceable Early Termination Provision

1. Employee’s best friend.
2. Employers: see Employment Contract definition no. 1.
    

Frustration

What you feel when:

1. The wording in the employment contact you just drafted, and which the client has already used, is void within weeks due to a new court decision.
2. You draft a mediation brief, send it off, and, two days, later your arguments are outdated due to yet another new court decision.
3. The law changes five times during your half-day mediation.
    

Human Resources

The department recently re-named Employee-Peoples’ Culture & Experience Resources.

Mitigation

1. An employer’s best friend.
2. That annoying thing which reduces your contingency fee.
    

Mutual Non-Disparagement Provision

1. What an employer will never agree to in a release.
2. What you, as employee-side counsel, ask for anyway.
    

Performance Improvement Plan (PIP)

A.K.A. “We Hope You Resign Before We Terminate” Plan.

PJI

That thing employee-side counsel never used to mention in settlement discussions.  Then, higher interest rates, court backlogs and the personal injury bar arrived.  

Positive Letter of Reference

See Tombstone Letter.

Short Service Employee

An employee, terminated after four months, who:

1. was induced to leave secure employment of 25 years with promises of employment for life, plus an endless buffet of RSUs. Now entitled to 48 months’ notice; or
2. had begged to be hired because they were so miserable at their old job. Owed no more than one week’s notice and required to repay their $500,000 signing bonus.
    

Tariffs

The reason all employees terminated from 2016 forward are entitled to an extra 12 months on top of their regular notice period.  

Work from Home

1.     “Theft of time” device, according to some.

2.     See Toxic Workplace.

3.     The reason the author gets out of bed in the morning.
 

Vacation Pay & Holiday Pay

Two ESA minimum standards that I challenge anyone to explain as if you were talking to a five-year old child.

I’m waiting.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mitchell Rose is a Toronto-area mediator and arbitrator of employment law disputes. He is the former Chair of the OBA’s Alternative Dispute Resolution section, and he is the current Secretary of the Labour & Employment Law section. He welcomes your submissions and comments at mitch@mitchellrose.ca. The more satirical the better.

Any article or other information or content expressed or made available in this Section is that of the respective author(s) and not of the OBA.