Golf is known to be a civilized sport...until people start slinging lawyer jokes.

I enjoy those moments standing on the first tee of a golf course, surveying the fairway that awaits me. This particular July morning I was savoring those moments as I met the three gentlemen with whom I had been paired for 18 holes of golf.

For some reason one of them, a tall fellow wearing a bright green hat, remarked to his buddy, who was already smoking a fat cigar, "Mike here is a lawyer…" One of the others, a guy in very loud pants, held out his hand and, feigning a serious voice, said, "Oh, did you say a liar - I mean lawyer?" As the three of them chuckled over that corny remark I nodded and pretended I hadn’t heard it.

This does not usually bode well.

Now a man can only stand so much, so I decided that if they wanted to play with a lawyer, then they would play with a lawyer.

Over the following 9 holes I was subjected to non- stop lawyer jokes by these three comedians. Jokes about about sharks and professional courtesy, the lawyer who finds a family eating grass on the lawn of Osgoode Hall, the testicle squeezing divorce lawyer, why lawyers are different from porcupines, the lawyer who lost his arm with a Rolex on it, Divorce Barbie, lawyers on the bottom of the ocean, skid marks on the highway and several classics about lawyers arriving at the Pearly Gates only to be challenged about their billable hours. Not a fresh joke to be found among them. However, patient lawyer that I am, I was courteous with these knaves. I smiled and said, “Good one” as they slapped their thighs and guffawed at their own jokes. I looked at my watch and the scorecard. Nine holes to go.

At one point I even tried to join in the fun by telling what I thought was a clever joke about a spoon on an elevator but there was no traction. They quickly returned to lawyer jokes. When Loud Pants trotted out the old chestnut, “What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honour!” their snickering caused me to miss a two foot putt and I nearly bit my tongue in half. Now a man can only stand so much, so I decided that if they wanted to play with a lawyer, then they would play with a lawyer.

As Green Hat prepared to tee off on the next hole I mentioned the number of expensive lawsuits that have arisen because of trouble on golf courses. Golfers were being sued for all kinds of things. The three of them fell silent and Green Hat sliced his drive hard right into some trees. He turned to stare at me and mumbled that he would take a do-over, a mulligan.

I felt that this was a good time to recount the U.S. Superior Court case involving what is known as the  “unannounced mulligan.” Three golfers had teed off successfully but the fourth drove his ball into the woods. As the other three made their way to their golf carts the fourth decided - unannounced - to hit a mulligan. Unfortunately his second ball went from the heel of his driver to the cheekbone of his playing partner, fracturing it instantly. I snapped my head back sharply and moaned as I demonstrated what must have happened. The injured golfer sued successfully because an unannounced mulligan is not a part of the rules golf.  If you are playing within the rules there will be no liability for injuries you may cause to players or spectators. But play outside the rules and hurt someone on the course, well there could be trouble. Expensive trouble. I explained this golf maxim very calmly.

Green Hat teed up a fresh ball as his buddies now took cover behind a nearby tree. With a very cautious swing he barely bunted his drive 100 yards down the fairway. We walked on in silence.

It was time for every lawyer’s secret weapon – Latin.

As we approached Loud Pants’ ball at the edge of the fairway I saw him look at a worn yardage book. He glanced at the green, studied his book and said to himself, “Hmm, about 165 yards…”

“Is that yardage book up-to-date?” I asked quietly.

“Why?” He reached for a 7 iron.

“Well, there was this case in which a golfer relied on an out-of-date yardage book. He hit his shot based on the book but his ball flew over the green and hit a golfer of the next tee box. Knocked the poor guy out cold. Turns out they had changed the course but not the yardage book. He sued the golfer and the golfer sued the course for negligent course design. Very expensive litigation.”

Loud Pants switched to an eight iron and left his approach shot about 30 yards short of the green. We walked on in silence.

On the next hole Big Cigar set up to hit his tee shot on a long par 5. We could see the backyards of some luxury homes lining the right side of the fairway. As I plunged my ball in and out of a ball washer I noted that this particular hole reminded me a lot of the third hole at Islington Golf Course in Toronto, the hole that caused so much litigation a few years ago. Their shoulders slumped collectively as they turned and stared at me. I explained the successful nuisance lawsuits often brought by the neighbors of golf courses and driving ranges because so many golf balls land on their properties. I winced as I said, “Very expensive.”

Loud Pants, Big Cigar and Green Hat’s drives all duck hooked hard left into tall grass. No one asked for mulligan and we walked on in silence.

After what felt like an eternity the four of us stood on the 18th green. Each golfer faced about a five-foot putt. A glance at the scorecard told me the three of us were tied. Whoever made their putt would have the low round of the day and bragging rights. As we sized up our putts Green Hat turned to me and muttered sarcastically, “I suppose there is a case about some slick lawyer suing someone for putting, that we should know about.” He gave Loud Pants a knowing look.

It was time for every lawyer’s secret weapon – Latin. I rubbed my chin, looked at their putts and said, “Well, now that you mention it, I think I can safely say…Felix qui potuit rerum cognoscere causas.”*

The three of them stared at me until Big Cigar turned to Green Hat and said, “Who’s Felix?”

We all missed our putts, but shook hands and headed for our cars. It had been a long day.

The following week I waited near the first tee hoping to get in with a group of guys for 18 holes. I saw Green Hat and his buddies hiding behind some golf carts, avoiding me. No one would come near me. I guess word had spread. So I set out on my own for 18 holes. And you know what? I had a great round, but…

Did you hear the one about the lawyer who got a hole-in-one but no one saw it - because he was all alone? !

No joke.

* Happy is he who can apprehend the causes of things.

About the Author

Michael Cochrane is a family lawyer with Brauti Thorning Zibarras in Toronto and author of the forthcoming book Olympic Lyon: The Untold Story of the Last (and Lost) Gold Medal for Golf.